Dejected

September 4, 2012

 

Emotionally: I feel dejected. I feel this way because no matter what I do, how I do it, goal-oriented, profound or selfless it is, my father never takes a moment to appreciate it. Or the times that he "tries" to, he always has to throw his two cents in, guilt-trip me into thinking it isn't worth it unless somehow he's involved and often times humiliates me in front of important people. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt because his wife (my mother) of over 43 years has just passed away. But he's been doing this for years now and it has only gotten worse. In one hand, it's eating me up inside because I don't deserve to be treated that way. Also, it eats me up because he is really the go-to person that remains family; when he got on my nerves, I've just talked to mother in his nurturing absence, and now I can't do that. But on the other hand, I feel obligated to support him mentally so he can get his footing again after the loss, and it is in my best of heart to care for people before myself, no matter if they lash out at me, or act superior to me, or make demands on me. It's just a phase they are going through like we all do, right? However, where is my support system? It's basically only my boyfriend. My sister is doing her own thing; my dad only wants me when he needs something. I thought it was families that are supposed to feed off one another for support, especially if we are victims of the same thing (loss)?

Physically: I've been feeling buoyant. Better than I did a few days ago. Despite feeling drowsy by mid-afternoon from school and work, I've been feeling, what I only can describe as clear-headed. J