Anxious

September 21, 2012

 

Emotionally: I feel anxious today because I realize that a lot of things that pertain to "sickness" or "death" makes me think about my own mortality, and the mortality of those close to me. I've notice it has gotten worse since my mother became progressively ill 2-3 years ago. When I heard her tell me she wasn't well, or just sometimes I instinctively knew, I literally felt her pain. Sympahty pains I'm sure was in most cases, but what about those times I felt exactly what she was feeling, and I picked up that phone to call her, or got in my car to drive to see how she was doing, and she would then describe to me how she was feeling exactly how I was already feeling??

Those years went by; come and gone. She was in and out of hospitals . . . too weak to care. Now she is dead. At first, I was ill and fainty when they drew blood from the artery to know her gas oxygen levels . . . or when they kept shoving tubes down her throat. I've seen plenty of things that would sicken people and I wouldn't be phased by it, but for som reason in the past year or two, I've easily became weak. And that weakness alters from time to time into fear of unknown fate, therefore, setting me to have anxiety or panic episodes. Then sometimes, out of nowhere, where I must be presentable, where I must be strong for others, I do it with great ease. That ease guilt-strickens me. Do I not have feelings anymore? I'm use to feeling oversensitive with anxiety, that it feels disturbing not to be that way – like that's my security blanket, that isn't quite so "secure". My mother's death intensified it more, and lahtough that might be the trigger to my anxiety, I want to know how to make it further and further away from the mind. Let it be gone. I have doubts. When I think I'm away from that anxiety phase that I suffered for years mostly in my teenage years, and after an abuse in my mid-twenties, it rears its ugly head. Is it imbedded in me? Am I not capable of functioning on a sociable level, with normal stressers, without this thing called anxiety of impending doom? I fear by now I cannot.

Physically: I am feeling congested. Can't seem to rid of this "thing". Antibiotics obviously didn't take care of it. And I wish I can take care of myself to afford to go back to the doctors. Fever yesterday, not today – which was definitely better on a functioning level. And yay, off my period that I got for the second time this month!