October 17, 2012
I'm
delighted because of two particular scenarios that happened in the last
couple of days. Firstly, even though the surprise of a proposal has
been voided, my boyfriend (future husband, ha!) and I have been looking
at rings together. I know it will be a few months before any decision
is made, but doing it together - shopping for rings and practically
having similar taste, has been bitter sweet. One day I'm sure he'll
propose again! We both know this is what we want, but the element of a
surprise proposal is not completely out of the questions.
The
other scenario is I sat Jordan down and explained some life experiences
I've had (one I will not mention here). Mostly, so that he has a
better understanding of my beliefs (whether or not they are mistaken
beliefs) and my over generalization of men, that I commonly speak of.
Maybe by telling him this information he will have not sympathy, but
empathy for me. To be my rock, to be action-oriented towards some
things I've noticed I've avoided for years, yet in my mind want to
conquer. I also wanted to tell him because it was something I never
told anyone. I thought I was considered open and honest most my life,
but for some odd reason, I felt I wasn't because a piece of my life was
missing. It was repressed. Only recently through my own therapy and my
classes in therapy have my memories coming back. It was fierce, and I
was awestruck with reality. Now, a lot has made sense of my behavior,
my outlooks, my compassion for certain things and my intimacy struggles -
all made sense! I kept it a secret for years. I didn't tell people
close to me, and I didn't even tell therapist that I originally sought
help for on it. I got scared. Other times, I just focused on getting
help on other important problems, hoping that would eventually "clear"
me of this burden. What made Jordan the person I wanted to tell?
Possibly because so far he has been a constant stable being my life and
trusted. I usually don't (or fear that I can't) trust people
completely. I do him. He became my therapist for two hours. He
listened and was emotionally supportive. I had a slight thought it
would make him leave me, but he didn't. I also am so very honest that
if he did leave me, I wouldn't regret telling him because I was relaying
truth and it is important for him to know me completely. I'm
enlightened because, although, hurtful memories came back to haunt me,
nevertheless, it's extraordinary how the brain can repress situations
and it's lost for years from someone. I'm also enlightened because
after speaking up, I had no idea how much weight has been lifted off my
shoulders. I now have someone to talk to about this whenever a new
memory exposes itself, instead of one toppling another on my shoulders
weighing me down. Thank God!
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Unsettled
October 11, 2012
It's been a few days since I wrote, so lets bring it up to speed. Last weekend I invited my father and sister over to Jordan and my place because his parents were in town as well. A first family meeting. Jordan's mother decided to cook a Thanksgiving-type meal for all of us. I was nervous of the whole family gathering. Normally hosting, I can be a little nervous, but the excitable jittery way when it comes to friends. With my own family it is different. Guess because I'm use to them nagging about something, usually in a roundabout way that I'm not like Sandy (my sister), instead of simply praising me for my efforts alone. But, nobody . . . not Jordan's family anyway understood where I was coming from, unless they grew up with me. They just said "relax" . . . yeah, coming out of the mouth of someone who is drinking wine and beer at that very moment just to get relaxed themselves! Ha, really? But as far as my family goes, I get nervous because they never really took me seriously - especially when it came to relationships. Even, if some relationships I have had were serious, they had no interest, and a lot of times that put a strain on my relationships because it played in the back of my mind so much. I know they like Jordan, but I thought maybe it was the nature of it at the time because he became known to them around my mother's death. Now that some time has passed, will it be the same? Will the respect me blossoming from this relationship? And the test, although I did not consider it then, that the dinner went very well, and we embraced each other with kind words, life stories and laughter in some games. It was if Jordan and I truly belong together and our bond linked the families. They do adore Jordan after all!
What came as a surprise to me before the family get together that I already was nervous for, is that Jordan proposed to me right beforehand. Yes!! It was cute, but came as a shock to me because I thought he was joking. I know, it's no time to think he was, but he has joked before, so I could only giggle through it. And because he was serious as I realized minutes later, I felt ashamed I had no answer for him, that I just kept it at that. How aweful that must have been for him that I kept him pondering! Not my intentions! Besides, I never thought in a million years would I make something like that so awkward - but lately that's been me in a nutshell. Just everything was off about it, and yeah, I know things are not perfect or go as planned, and I'm usually okay with that, but I (and I assume he as well) want it to be special, and feel special. I was already nervous as it was witht he family getting together, and work and school on my mind, thatI think anybody would want to feel better than that when getting someone to ask their hand in marriage. And a part of me wanted Jordan to understand, like what was common sense to me, should have been to him too. I told him, "You know I'll never say 'no' to you, but I'm not saying 'yes' yet. You'll know when the timing is right, not only for you, but for the both of us." Basically, what I was trying to say was that we should both mentally be there. What's been bothering me since then, is that him and I have been fighting quite a bit since. I've been cruel towards how I'm expressing myself. Sometimes it feels like that is the only other way after a few normal and structured arguments going in circles the first few times. Sometimes I don't get why men shrug their shoulders as if they don't care, but make it a point to point out of all the things I say, the one negative and laugh in a woman's face. It's a non-verbal threat that they refuse to see. And how come this man I love is doing that, like the men I have hated? I know it's bound to happen that arguments arise, and maybe it's good to welcome it to see if we can really tolerate as well as love each other under one roof. But I feel it may get out of control for me. As my defenses go up, so does my hands.
It's been a few days since I wrote, so lets bring it up to speed. Last weekend I invited my father and sister over to Jordan and my place because his parents were in town as well. A first family meeting. Jordan's mother decided to cook a Thanksgiving-type meal for all of us. I was nervous of the whole family gathering. Normally hosting, I can be a little nervous, but the excitable jittery way when it comes to friends. With my own family it is different. Guess because I'm use to them nagging about something, usually in a roundabout way that I'm not like Sandy (my sister), instead of simply praising me for my efforts alone. But, nobody . . . not Jordan's family anyway understood where I was coming from, unless they grew up with me. They just said "relax" . . . yeah, coming out of the mouth of someone who is drinking wine and beer at that very moment just to get relaxed themselves! Ha, really? But as far as my family goes, I get nervous because they never really took me seriously - especially when it came to relationships. Even, if some relationships I have had were serious, they had no interest, and a lot of times that put a strain on my relationships because it played in the back of my mind so much. I know they like Jordan, but I thought maybe it was the nature of it at the time because he became known to them around my mother's death. Now that some time has passed, will it be the same? Will the respect me blossoming from this relationship? And the test, although I did not consider it then, that the dinner went very well, and we embraced each other with kind words, life stories and laughter in some games. It was if Jordan and I truly belong together and our bond linked the families. They do adore Jordan after all!
What came as a surprise to me before the family get together that I already was nervous for, is that Jordan proposed to me right beforehand. Yes!! It was cute, but came as a shock to me because I thought he was joking. I know, it's no time to think he was, but he has joked before, so I could only giggle through it. And because he was serious as I realized minutes later, I felt ashamed I had no answer for him, that I just kept it at that. How aweful that must have been for him that I kept him pondering! Not my intentions! Besides, I never thought in a million years would I make something like that so awkward - but lately that's been me in a nutshell. Just everything was off about it, and yeah, I know things are not perfect or go as planned, and I'm usually okay with that, but I (and I assume he as well) want it to be special, and feel special. I was already nervous as it was witht he family getting together, and work and school on my mind, thatI think anybody would want to feel better than that when getting someone to ask their hand in marriage. And a part of me wanted Jordan to understand, like what was common sense to me, should have been to him too. I told him, "You know I'll never say 'no' to you, but I'm not saying 'yes' yet. You'll know when the timing is right, not only for you, but for the both of us." Basically, what I was trying to say was that we should both mentally be there. What's been bothering me since then, is that him and I have been fighting quite a bit since. I've been cruel towards how I'm expressing myself. Sometimes it feels like that is the only other way after a few normal and structured arguments going in circles the first few times. Sometimes I don't get why men shrug their shoulders as if they don't care, but make it a point to point out of all the things I say, the one negative and laugh in a woman's face. It's a non-verbal threat that they refuse to see. And how come this man I love is doing that, like the men I have hated? I know it's bound to happen that arguments arise, and maybe it's good to welcome it to see if we can really tolerate as well as love each other under one roof. But I feel it may get out of control for me. As my defenses go up, so does my hands.
Captivated
October 3, 2012
Emotionally: I feel captivated because I've had some experiences recently that didn't make me feel uneasy, yet not overwhelmed with joy. I'm pretty confident that my mother is haunting me. Not bad like you hear in the movies. First, I know I have been dreaming of her. Some of it looking back, like watching home videos of us some years back. At one point in a dream I responded to her not wanting to go with me somewhere and said, "Fine. I didn't want you to go with me anyway." And then as I was watching that video of me saying that to her and seeing her forlorn face, in my dream I thought to myself, " . . .and she died a week later." A separation that waved over me of sorrow. Lately as I've been awake, I've been having feelings of something tugging on my pantleg or brushing against it. I brushed it off because it could have been just coincidence - maybe the A/C kicking on, animal hair, or my pants getting caught. But it's happened about 6 different times in different spots in the house, and in different positions! At first I thought (or maybe just hoped) that it was my cat rubbing against me - but when I look, she's on the floor sleeping 5 feet away from me. It sent chills down my spine. Another night I woke up to doors opening and closing that I thought I had a burglar in my house. But my cat is sitting next to my head on the pillows all calm like nothing was going on, when usually she would be the first to hide. I just let it go and went back to sleep. Yesterday I was doing schoolwork at my desk and just finishing up typing and right in front of me I see my computer mouse back-end lift up so gently and sit back down - like a curious ghost. I wasn't scared but alot that has been going on surely became validated. Is it my mom?
Emotionally: I feel captivated because I've had some experiences recently that didn't make me feel uneasy, yet not overwhelmed with joy. I'm pretty confident that my mother is haunting me. Not bad like you hear in the movies. First, I know I have been dreaming of her. Some of it looking back, like watching home videos of us some years back. At one point in a dream I responded to her not wanting to go with me somewhere and said, "Fine. I didn't want you to go with me anyway." And then as I was watching that video of me saying that to her and seeing her forlorn face, in my dream I thought to myself, " . . .and she died a week later." A separation that waved over me of sorrow. Lately as I've been awake, I've been having feelings of something tugging on my pantleg or brushing against it. I brushed it off because it could have been just coincidence - maybe the A/C kicking on, animal hair, or my pants getting caught. But it's happened about 6 different times in different spots in the house, and in different positions! At first I thought (or maybe just hoped) that it was my cat rubbing against me - but when I look, she's on the floor sleeping 5 feet away from me. It sent chills down my spine. Another night I woke up to doors opening and closing that I thought I had a burglar in my house. But my cat is sitting next to my head on the pillows all calm like nothing was going on, when usually she would be the first to hide. I just let it go and went back to sleep. Yesterday I was doing schoolwork at my desk and just finishing up typing and right in front of me I see my computer mouse back-end lift up so gently and sit back down - like a curious ghost. I wasn't scared but alot that has been going on surely became validated. Is it my mom?
Withdrawn
September 29, 2012
Emotionally: I've been noticing throughout my up and downs, I seem to maintain a constant withdrawn emotion. I know the "trigger" behind this and the things I'm doing to counteract it. My withdrawal is from my mother's illness, and eventually after her death became more apparent. When she was ill, the overload from taking care of my own life, and then tackling on taking care of her physically so my father could do things around the house and visa verse, became excessive. I found that with school, studying, homework, work and making time for family, I hardly had much else to do but sleep (and sometimes go without eating) only at a few hours of my time. It bothered me that I became reclusive and unsociable. Friends stopped calling or asking me to do things anymore - it hurt. But, it's the feeling of "wasting my life away" on duties more than pleasure that makes me feel robotic and cumbersome. Today, I've become accustom to it that I don't "seek out" the pleasure as much. And when I get that minute, or that day to be "duty-less", my anxiety heightens because it's been so long to plan for greater things, for instant gratification (like going out with friends or vacations).
Emotionally: I've been noticing throughout my up and downs, I seem to maintain a constant withdrawn emotion. I know the "trigger" behind this and the things I'm doing to counteract it. My withdrawal is from my mother's illness, and eventually after her death became more apparent. When she was ill, the overload from taking care of my own life, and then tackling on taking care of her physically so my father could do things around the house and visa verse, became excessive. I found that with school, studying, homework, work and making time for family, I hardly had much else to do but sleep (and sometimes go without eating) only at a few hours of my time. It bothered me that I became reclusive and unsociable. Friends stopped calling or asking me to do things anymore - it hurt. But, it's the feeling of "wasting my life away" on duties more than pleasure that makes me feel robotic and cumbersome. Today, I've become accustom to it that I don't "seek out" the pleasure as much. And when I get that minute, or that day to be "duty-less", my anxiety heightens because it's been so long to plan for greater things, for instant gratification (like going out with friends or vacations).
Pitiful
September 25, 2012
Emotionally: I'm feeling pitiful - the "poor me" complex sometimes because there are some things that women must have or must accomplish to feel beautiful inside and out. I don't even need to be the most attractive person, I just want my hygiene routine to not be so damn intricate and costly. I sometimes (almost daily) tell myself,
"If you didn't have these stupid, miniscule, yet largely annoying problems, you'd have more time to do other things to enjoy."
My skin (especially right along the edge of my scalp into my head) has been scaley. Can't pick it, it bleeds and becomes inflamed. Can't leave it alone, it just flakes and is not only embarrassing but itchy. Dermatologist said it's not Psaroasis and not Eczema, so I'm chalking it up to hormonal imbalance. God knows I've been having other issues that seem to be cohesive. So lately, because it has been really terrible, I haven't flat ironed my hair or put product in it. My hair is naturally frizzy and thick. Makeup has been minimal, so it's been a domino effect and my dress wear lately is anything but, and my finger and toe nails have been stripped down to nubs.
The good news, I found out my results on the mass in my wrist and it's a small ganglion cyst. I'm okay with it being that and not a tumor. But, it seems like any activity is making me see a physician. My knee was injured dancing and my wrist problem was triggered by kayaking only a couple of times. I should be able to do these activities relatively with ease and no injuries. I know I'm not young, but damn, I'm not that old LOL!
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Anxious
September 21, 2012
Emotionally: I feel anxious today because I realize that a lot of things that pertain to "sickness" or "death" makes me think about my own mortality, and the mortality of those close to me. I've notice it has gotten worse since my mother became progressively ill 2-3 years ago. When I heard her tell me she wasn't well, or just sometimes I instinctively knew, I literally felt her pain. Sympahty pains I'm sure was in most cases, but what about those times I felt exactly what she was feeling, and I picked up that phone to call her, or got in my car to drive to see how she was doing, and she would then describe to me how she was feeling exactly how I was already feeling??
Those years went by; come and gone. She was in and out of hospitals . . . too weak to care. Now she is dead. At first, I was ill and fainty when they drew blood from the artery to know her gas oxygen levels . . . or when they kept shoving tubes down her throat. I've seen plenty of things that would sicken people and I wouldn't be phased by it, but for som reason in the past year or two, I've easily became weak. And that weakness alters from time to time into fear of unknown fate, therefore, setting me to have anxiety or panic episodes. Then sometimes, out of nowhere, where I must be presentable, where I must be strong for others, I do it with great ease. That ease guilt-strickens me. Do I not have feelings anymore? I'm use to feeling oversensitive with anxiety, that it feels disturbing not to be that way – like that's my security blanket, that isn't quite so "secure". My mother's death intensified it more, and lahtough that might be the trigger to my anxiety, I want to know how to make it further and further away from the mind. Let it be gone. I have doubts. When I think I'm away from that anxiety phase that I suffered for years mostly in my teenage years, and after an abuse in my mid-twenties, it rears its ugly head. Is it imbedded in me? Am I not capable of functioning on a sociable level, with normal stressers, without this thing called anxiety of impending doom? I fear by now I cannot.
Physically: I am feeling congested. Can't seem to rid of this "thing". Antibiotics obviously didn't take care of it. And I wish I can take care of myself to afford to go back to the doctors. Fever yesterday, not today – which was definitely better on a functioning level. And yay, off my period that I got for the second time this month!
Washed Out
September 12, 2012
Emotionally: Today I feel a little washed out. Due partly because I haven't had much sleep more than a couple hours the last two days. And that has been because I've been congested and had obligations to go to school, work and to pack. I've been on antibiotics the last 5 days, and that has made me feel yucky – doesn't help that I have to crush up my pills since I'm not good at swallowing them, ha ha!
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