Unsettled

October 11, 2012


It's been a few days since I wrote, so lets bring it up to speed.  Last weekend I invited my father and sister over to Jordan and my place because his parents were in town as well.  A first family meeting.  Jordan's mother decided to cook a Thanksgiving-type meal for all of us.  I was nervous of the whole family gathering.  Normally hosting, I can be a little nervous, but the excitable jittery way when it comes to friends.  With my own family it is different.  Guess because I'm use to them nagging about something, usually in a roundabout way that I'm not like Sandy (my sister), instead of simply praising me for my efforts alone.  But, nobody . . . not Jordan's family anyway understood where I was coming from, unless they grew up with me.  They just said "relax" . . . yeah, coming out of the mouth of someone who is drinking wine and beer at that very moment just to get relaxed themselves!  Ha, really?  But as far as my family goes, I get nervous because they never really took me seriously - especially when it came to relationships.  Even, if some relationships I have had were serious, they had no interest, and a lot of times that put a strain on my relationships because it played in the back of my mind so much.  I know they like Jordan, but I thought maybe it was the nature of it at the time because he became known to them around my mother's death.  Now that some time has passed, will it be the same?  Will the respect me blossoming from this relationship?  And the test, although I did not consider it then, that the dinner went very well, and we embraced each other with kind words, life stories and laughter in some games.  It was if Jordan and I truly belong together and our bond linked the families.  They do adore Jordan after all!

What came as a surprise to me before the family get together that I already was nervous for, is that Jordan proposed to me right beforehand.  Yes!!  It was cute, but came as a shock to me because I thought he was joking.  I know, it's no time to think he was, but he has joked before, so I could only giggle through it.  And because he was serious as I realized minutes later, I felt ashamed I had no answer for him, that I just kept it at that.  How aweful that must have been for him that I kept him pondering!  Not my intentions!  Besides, I never thought in a million years would I make something like that so awkward - but lately that's been me in a nutshell.  Just everything was off about it, and yeah, I know things are not perfect or go as planned, and I'm usually okay with that, but I (and I assume he as well) want it to be special, and feel special.  I was already nervous as it was witht he family getting together, and work and school on my mind, thatI think anybody would want to feel better than that when getting someone to ask their hand in marriage.  And a part of me wanted Jordan to understand, like what was common sense to me, should have been to him too.  I told him, "You know I'll never say 'no' to you, but I'm not saying 'yes' yet.  You'll know when the timing is right, not only for you, but for the both of us."  Basically, what I was trying to say was that we should both mentally be there.  What's been bothering me since then, is that him and I have been fighting quite a bit since.  I've been cruel towards how I'm expressing myself.  Sometimes it feels like that is the only other way after a few normal and structured arguments going in circles the first few times.  Sometimes I don't get why men shrug their shoulders as if they don't care, but make it a point to point out of all the things I say, the one negative and laugh in a woman's face.  It's a non-verbal threat that they refuse to see.  And how come this man I love is doing that, like the men I have hated?  I know it's bound to happen that arguments arise, and maybe it's good to welcome it to see if we can really tolerate as well as love each other under one roof.  But I feel it may get out of control for me.  As my defenses go up, so does my hands.