Delighted

October 17, 2012


I'm delighted because of two particular scenarios that happened in the last couple of days.  Firstly, even though the surprise of a proposal has been voided, my boyfriend (future husband, ha!) and I have been looking at rings together.  I know it will be a few months before any decision is made, but doing it together - shopping for rings and practically having similar taste, has been bitter sweet.  One day I'm sure he'll propose again!  We both know this is what we want, but the element of a surprise proposal is not completely out of the questions.

The other scenario is I sat Jordan down and explained some life experiences I've had (one I will not mention here).  Mostly, so that he has a better understanding of my beliefs (whether or not they are mistaken beliefs) and my over generalization of men, that I commonly speak of.  Maybe by telling him this information he will have not sympathy, but empathy for me.  To be my rock, to be action-oriented towards some things I've noticed I've avoided for years, yet in my mind want to conquer.  I also wanted to tell him because it was something I never told anyone.  I thought I was considered open and honest most my life, but for some odd reason, I felt I wasn't because a piece of my life was missing.  It was repressed.  Only recently through my own therapy and my classes in therapy have my memories coming back.  It was fierce, and I was awestruck with reality.  Now, a lot has made sense of my behavior, my outlooks, my compassion for certain things and my intimacy struggles - all made sense!  I kept it a secret for years.  I didn't tell people close to me, and I didn't even tell therapist that I originally sought help for on it.  I got scared.  Other times, I just focused on getting help on other important problems, hoping that would eventually "clear" me of this burden.  What made Jordan the person I wanted to tell?  Possibly because so far he has been a constant stable being my life and trusted.  I usually don't (or fear that I can't) trust people completely.  I do him.  He became my therapist for two hours.  He listened and was emotionally supportive.  I had a slight thought it would make him leave me, but he didn't.  I also am so very honest that if he did leave me, I wouldn't regret telling him because I was relaying truth and it is important for him to know me completely.  I'm enlightened because, although, hurtful memories came back to haunt me, nevertheless, it's extraordinary how the brain can repress situations and it's lost for years from someone.  I'm also enlightened because after speaking up, I had no idea how much weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I now have someone to talk to about this whenever a new memory exposes itself, instead of one toppling another on my shoulders weighing me down.  Thank God!