Life & Death

It's been a few weeks since I written a personalized post.  On February 19 a dear friend of mine had passed away.  Not a close friend as I only began to get to know her less than a year ago, but definitely worth getting to know more if she had more time.  Her name was Mary Cliggett and she was 62.  She was not at a tender age, that's for sure, and she didn't like doctors much.  About a week before her death, she had a stroke while eating lunch with her sister-in-law.  She was emitted into the hospital and survived the stroke.  Unfortunately, like most strokes, she was paralyzed on her entire left side of her body.  She had stated in her Living Will that she didn't want to be on life support of any kind, which included fluids by intravenous, antibiotics or physical therapy.  I know neglecting vital medication after something like that can be a death sentence.  Did she know that too?  Why didn't she just try to live?  I then get confused where her soul will go - heaven or hell?  A very grey area.  It's not like she took a gun or a knife to herself or jumped off a building to commit suicide.  But she didn't exactly die from a natural cause, as I believe if the stroke was suppose to kill her, it would have.  She knew she was going to die if she didn't receive treatment.  I understand she didn't want to be a vegetable and that is why she had that in her Will.  But she was sitting up communicating as best she could and seemed well.  Then three days later, after not moving much or getting physical therapy as recommended, she got pneumonia and died quickly afterwards.  The hard part is that I was there at her bedside when she took her last breath.  I came in, gave her a picture and put it next to her bedside and then she was still.  She wasn't moving beforehand, but do you ever get that feeling that suddenly the room isn't as heavy or the stillness is even quieter?  That's exactly how it was, and not too many moments later, the nurse came in and said she just passed.  She was at peace.  I was grateful she was not suffering anymore, yet I felt like she allowed herself to die.  How do I cope with that as a friend....a human being.....a Christian?



If that wasn't hard enough, I had to say goodbye to my long time and first time pet cat named Galaxy on March 1, 2010.  I always joked at those people who literally say that their pet is their best friend and there was nothing like him/her - a one-of-a-kind.  But as time came and went with my beautiful grey tabby feline friend, I realized more and more that is very much the truth.  I've had two cats since I first got her, and although they are good cats, they cannot compare to Galaxy.  Maybe it's b/c I got her as I just entered my teenage years and needed a different sort of bond.  I think she knew it too!  I can't remember when I really had to be upset with her....and the only time when I had to tell her not to do something, was when she was being too loving to me or someone else by getting in their face or sitting on the table where we ate.  That is not bad at all!  I'd give anything to have it that simple again.  She was like a pet dog.  I'd call her name from another room and she'd come frolicking down the hallway.  I'd tell her to speak, and she'd meow.  She played so heartedly.  Then, just shy of her sixteenth birthday, she was diagnosed with kidney failure.  For a month I didn't give up on her....for a month she wasn't ready to leave this world.  But one day came, I laid down and talked with her and tears just suddenly started rolling down my face.  I felt it was God and her speaking to me.  I saw her look at me for the first time in a long time with tears in her eyes as she meowed a low long grumble of sorrow.  I saw it and I felt it that she was ready to go home to God.  The following day she was put to rest.


Below is an email to my family the following day after her passing.  It describes the emotions I felt along with the events that took place at the time of her death.  There, you will know how hard it really can be to lose your pet....you best friend....your child.


Email to Friends Titled "My Heart Hurts":
I'm not one to want to endure pain or pessimism much, but when I do, I always find my way through it.  I don't fear that.  I only fear how long I will endure it....how much time do I need to feel whole again....and is the world going to be patient enough?  I want the hurt to be done and over with, but I can't just pretend that I don't feel anything....I've done that before and it just doesn't work.  I tell you, as I told other friends that I can deal with it, sounding so nonchalant about it....but in reality, I'm just trying to be strong in front of you and in front of many b/c you all are strong.  I say that I can deal with it, but to be quite honest, it seriously hurts....I feel like I can't handle losing two precious things in my life, not just in about a week apart, but watching it with my own eyes.  It sounds pretty pathetic that I'm hurting more today than I did last week.  Perhaps, it's the emotional roller-coaster this past week, or in part-truth, I loved my cat like she was my child.  She WAS my baby.  I basically saw her come into this world, and I watched her leave this world.  The first shot (the sedation shot), she was still standing.....I put my head on the table, I couldn't bear to watch...until she actually mucked up enough strength to lay right next to me before the sedation kicked in and the second shot that made her go.  I had let her go.  Instead of me comforting her, she was the one to comfort me!  Like she knew it would be hard for me.  I don't remember a time where I've felt so much for something.  I can't remember a time I've cried this hard for something that I love.  Even one of the small things that crossed my mind, is that, I can't remember a time where my nose hurt so bad from using tissues b/c of crying rather than a cold.  I don't know how to end this email......I don't want to continue writing sad b/c it may make you sad.....I guess, I just don't know what to do.  It's past midnight and I just can't fall asleep.  Guess I could call someone...anyone, but part of me doesn't want to be a burden.  I know that, like anyone, you'd say positive and encouraging words, and perhaps, throw in some biblical messages in there to remind me that God is with me.  I know.  I know that he has something planned for me.  I know that he will strengthen me.  I know when I got home and fell to my knees he was there listening to me.  But, it's still painful.  However, I do believe my grievance just proves that I'm still alive and appreciate the lives that have come and gone in mine.
I do thank you for taking the time to read this, and I love you.
Many Blessings!

Below is a poem for a loss of a beloved animal

The Last Battle
If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done,
For this -- the last battle -- can't be won.
You will be sad I understand,
But don't let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.
We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, let me go.
Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me till the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time you will agree
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.
Don't grieve that it must be you
Who has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close -- we two -- these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.