Humble

September 5, 2012

 

Emotionally: I feel humble today because of a few reasons. I'm humble because no matter of the obstacles in life, I've realized there are some people in my life that has been super supportive through my unknown ailments, my mood changes from the depths of the unknown and the like. I've come to realize I don't have to have a lot of people in my life – just one or a couple can be just as supportive and true. The other reason why I'm humble is because Vocational Rehabilitation has taken it upon them to help pay the bill for my MRI on my wrist. It amazes me how through this negative and sometimes cruel world, people come through and reach out their hand.

Dejected

September 4, 2012

 

Emotionally: I feel dejected. I feel this way because no matter what I do, how I do it, goal-oriented, profound or selfless it is, my father never takes a moment to appreciate it. Or the times that he "tries" to, he always has to throw his two cents in, guilt-trip me into thinking it isn't worth it unless somehow he's involved and often times humiliates me in front of important people. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt because his wife (my mother) of over 43 years has just passed away. But he's been doing this for years now and it has only gotten worse. In one hand, it's eating me up inside because I don't deserve to be treated that way. Also, it eats me up because he is really the go-to person that remains family; when he got on my nerves, I've just talked to mother in his nurturing absence, and now I can't do that. But on the other hand, I feel obligated to support him mentally so he can get his footing again after the loss, and it is in my best of heart to care for people before myself, no matter if they lash out at me, or act superior to me, or make demands on me. It's just a phase they are going through like we all do, right? However, where is my support system? It's basically only my boyfriend. My sister is doing her own thing; my dad only wants me when he needs something. I thought it was families that are supposed to feed off one another for support, especially if we are victims of the same thing (loss)?

Physically: I've been feeling buoyant. Better than I did a few days ago. Despite feeling drowsy by mid-afternoon from school and work, I've been feeling, what I only can describe as clear-headed. J

Productive

August 31, 2012

 

Emotionally: I feel productive because I was able to get a lot accomplished after my blood test at 8:00am and before work at 10am. And after I got off from work at 1pm. I was able to get some studying done and take a test.

Physically: I had the neuropathy flare up today (is that what it's called when it acts up?), so for a little while it made me feel grotesque. I had the involuntary muscles spasm in which my boyfriend had to witness. Bless his heart; he massaged me hoping that could make me better. I didn't let it get me down – I still continued my studying J

Challenged & Worrisome

August 30, 2012

 

Emotionally: I feel challenged because of the expectations required of me. Also, I feel challenged because of the load I'm carrying both mentally and physically, and I too have expectations of myself I want to reach. My mother recently passed away, and many of the post-passing decisions have been in my hands, and carried out among the family. We are going to go through her belongings this weekend and into the next. I'm also moving at end of September, somewhat prematurely into my boyfriend's house. I see us being happily together, but my morals are rather traditional and if I could have planned it differently, I'd wait until we were married. However, my current roommate is moving last minute, and when I'm going to school full-time and working hardly any part-time hours for work, I'm unable to rent a place for much more than a few hundred a month, and I'm tired of being a gypsy at 30-years old. I'm nervous about moving in as the only guy I've known for 12 years that I've dated previously changed quite drastically when I finally decided to take the same leap, and he became very abusive. I only stayed in that house for 27 days before I moved out.

I'm worrisome because of my overall health. I've been dealing with a lot of neuropathy issues for the past several years that doctors still have not identified. It's quite frustrating and alarming when it's only getting worse. But, particularly today, the doctor found a small mass between two of my bones that they are hopeful is a benign cyst, but have to do an MRI for further observations. Another test . . . another day goes by without answers.

Human Service Introduction of Journaling

August 30, 2012

 

(From here on out, the journal entries are experiments for Human Services)

This journal is to provide the basic feelings (emotionally and/or physically) of the student, such as myself, going through the course of Group Dynamics in the Human Service field. The journal is a fundamental source in evaluating my very thoughts and actions based on feeling of daily living. Learning, evaluating and accepting these behaviors within myself, will help me better advocate, council or facilitate a group/individual session. Furthermore, it will help me help others identify aspects of their behavior and feelings. Each entry will be a title of a "feeling" from the Feelings List, and within the journal an optional breakdown of the two: Emotional and/or Physical feelings.

Revisiting Old Town Memories

I had to get up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed today for a job interview that was 90 miles away.
4AM I awake with anticipation.  6:30AM the cellphone alarm goes off.

Dressed.  Hygienically cleansed.  Fiber bar and water in hand.  14oz. coffee warm in the belly.  I'm ready to rock!  Turn on the car, get some gas and take the trek south.  For good company, I talked to a friend over the phone on the way down.  It helped calm my nerves too!

Sixty miles in, I pass by the exit to where I use to live.  I look to the West to see the complex nestled by the lake I often fished and paddled in, the park I use to bike in and the mossy trees I loved taking pictures of.  Seventy miles in, I pass the International Airport.  I watched a jetliner just feet above me fly over towards the landing strip.  The same airport that I flew my first plane.  Since a surgery that prior I was told I was never to be able to fly or swim again.  My first flight by myself.  A bit further south I pass an executive airport where I took my first helicopter ride reporting the NBC news.  I pass my primary physicians office, my beloved Bass Pro Shop, my church where I was baptized and taught classes at, and so forth.  Memories that took me back and I wasn't even at my interview yet.  These memories secured me in knowing if I were to get this job and move back, not to be afraid because not much has changed.  I could easily come back to it all.

Life & Death

It's been a few weeks since I written a personalized post.  On February 19 a dear friend of mine had passed away.  Not a close friend as I only began to get to know her less than a year ago, but definitely worth getting to know more if she had more time.  Her name was Mary Cliggett and she was 62.  She was not at a tender age, that's for sure, and she didn't like doctors much.  About a week before her death, she had a stroke while eating lunch with her sister-in-law.  She was emitted into the hospital and survived the stroke.  Unfortunately, like most strokes, she was paralyzed on her entire left side of her body.  She had stated in her Living Will that she didn't want to be on life support of any kind, which included fluids by intravenous, antibiotics or physical therapy.  I know neglecting vital medication after something like that can be a death sentence.  Did she know that too?  Why didn't she just try to live?  I then get confused where her soul will go - heaven or hell?  A very grey area.  It's not like she took a gun or a knife to herself or jumped off a building to commit suicide.  But she didn't exactly die from a natural cause, as I believe if the stroke was suppose to kill her, it would have.  She knew she was going to die if she didn't receive treatment.  I understand she didn't want to be a vegetable and that is why she had that in her Will.  But she was sitting up communicating as best she could and seemed well.  Then three days later, after not moving much or getting physical therapy as recommended, she got pneumonia and died quickly afterwards.  The hard part is that I was there at her bedside when she took her last breath.  I came in, gave her a picture and put it next to her bedside and then she was still.  She wasn't moving beforehand, but do you ever get that feeling that suddenly the room isn't as heavy or the stillness is even quieter?  That's exactly how it was, and not too many moments later, the nurse came in and said she just passed.  She was at peace.  I was grateful she was not suffering anymore, yet I felt like she allowed herself to die.  How do I cope with that as a friend....a human being.....a Christian?